When I look in the mirror every morning, I think to myself I look fine. Then, I step outside the small door frame of that bathroom and it's just a slight shift. I still feel good, but, then I can feel the people I live with looking at me and I wonder what they are thinking.
In the car on the way to school, I feel safe again. All I can hear is the car moving and the sound of turning pages on whatever book it is I am reading. Sometimes, the driver and whoever is in the passenger seat make conversation; sometimes the person in the backseat with me hums along with the CD they are listening to. Safe.
I jump out of the car and weave through the parking lot, making sure I don't get killed by a car. Less safe. I see kids walking with me. Kids I know, faces I recognize. I see them seeing me. The safety starts to fade.
Some mornings, I wear a headband into school and take it off when people see me in it. Insecurity creeps in slowly and I can't explain why. I'm sure that no one looks at me in the headband and thinks nasty things or anything, but, I can't stop myself from taking it off and keeping it in my locker rather than wearing it.
When I look at myself in the mirror in my bathroom, I feel safe. When I use other people's eyes as my mirror, I feel as if I am under attack.
Also, randomly, I like this song:
I am so tired of feeling like that. Everyone does, you know. It's not just you, promise.
ReplyDeleteThanks. :) I appreciate that.
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